Kids: How to raise a brat

4. The father

2007-09-19T22:17:00.000-04:00

Ok I am jumping ahead here a little because you have to know the relationship he has with his father.

When Dan was younger, he was kind of forced to spend time with his father. Thing is, Dan and his father didn't really like each other. Dan would go over there and once they shared a meal together, that was pretty much the end of their interaction. They would go back to his fathers house and Dan would take over the game system while his dad laid on the couch and watched TV.

His father would take him on vacation and would frequently complain about Dan's behavior. After a while, his father refused to ever take him again. At that point, he pretty much abandoned Dan unless Dan called him whining that he wanted something. Several times his father yelled that he wanted nothing to do with Dan anymore because he couldn't stand him.

For the last few years, the only time the father has been involved is when Dan calls crying that he is being treated unfairly. The father would get on the phone with the mother and a screaming match would ensue. My wife and I pretty much agreed the ONLY reason he would try and get her to give him what he wants was to get Dan out of his hair. Dan is a persistent bastard and could tire out Joan Rivers in an argument.

Often we said to Dan that if he didn't like how things were being run here, he should go live with his father. Dan had no interest in doing that. This made me wonder... did Dan enjoy the battle he got here? Living with his father would give him more freedom for sure.

Not that I don't feel bad about his relationship with his father, I do. It's just that these three people interacted like nothing I'd seen before. Hell, my ex and I hated each other but there was none of this "I will call dad if you don't give me what I want" crap! My ex would call, say my daughter wanted something or was doing something wrong and most often, I would back her regardless of how I felt about her. I knew it was healthy for my daughters to see a united front.

Anyway, you get the point.

3. A few examples to entice you...

2007-09-19T21:54:00.000-04:00

I know people thrive on the pain of others so here I will quickly share a few of the key things that have torn my sanity (and marriage) to shreds.

These are in somewhat chronological order starting from about 9 years old.

Totally ruined our vacations with constant whining and refusal to participate unless we did exactly what he wanted to.
Temper tantrums (serious ones) even at 18 years old
Standing in front of the TV as we watch refusing to move unless we gave in
Refusing to eat because he wanted something else
Arguing for hours (no, I mean HOURS), following us wherever we went until my wife could no longer stand it. (does this to this day, 18yrs old)
Calling his grandma to complain (even at 1am) and get her to yell at his mom (which she always did)
Telling us when he is home and we are 4 hours away that he is having friends over regardless of what we said.
Threatening to take our cars to the point where we have to hide the keys.
Not going to school because he didn't feel like going (around 17 absences 2 years in a row)
His mom screaming at him almost every morning to get him out of bed (what a way to start my day!)
Stealing money
Getting in the drivers seat of my wifes car when she is trying to leave for work and refusing to get out unless she let him use the car. (YEA, can you say TERRORIST? And yep, she gave in!)

Now... some of you might be saying this doesn't sound all that bad. To that I say, "HA!" Live it and them try and feed me that line.

One of the worst aspects of trying to deal with this... my wife constantly made threats to which she most frequently did not stand behind. I never knew what to believe and what not to. Sometimes just when I had hope everything was going to get better, she would revert back to being her son's flunky. This would make our relationship stressed to the max.

2. I am NOT a monster

2007-09-19T21:40:00.000-04:00

I am by no means a monster. I have two daughters (13 and 16) who I am told I am a little tough on sometimes but both of them will tell you that I am a pretty cool dad. Most kids I meet will tell you the same. Why not... I am young at heart and love playing with them, talking to them and helping them with whatever I can. I drive a cool car, ride a motorcycle and love electronic toys which most kids share in common.

However... I do have a line. Most kids are aware of that invisible line called "respect." Sure, some of them cross it knowingly once in a while but usually it's easy enough to bring them into line. With my daughters, it's a simple look. Most of you will know that look because your mom quickly eyed the broom or gave you that "Wait till your father gets home" look. Or maybe it was that look from your dad with his eyes wide and veins now twice their normal size.

My daughters are very familiar with "the line" and usually that fatherly look gets them to realize they screwed up and they are soon apologizing. Once they do and I sincerely believe they realize what they did, everything is back to fun and games. :)

I was raised to respect my parents. Yea, I crossed the line once in a while but when I did, I would soon regret it. Was I afraid of my father? HELL YEA! Did I hate him because he was strict? HELL NO! I admired my dad because I feared and respected him. Being raised to respect limits kept me in school and out of jail where a lot of my friends ended up. To this day thinking about him can bring a tear to my eye.

Anyway, most people know me as a kid myself and I was nominated to run the games for our block party when we had one.

1. An overview

2007-09-19T21:19:00.000-04:00

While I am inclined to use real names, I am also sensitive to the need for privacy by some. With that in mind, I will refer to the mother as "Christine" but the child gets no such respect so I will call him by his real name, "Dan."

When I met Christine, I knew she had a son as I saw him in the picture she had shown me. He looked like a decent kid as far as I could tell. She told me of them reading together, going to the park together, etc. Then I was hit with a piece of information that should have smacked me upside the head like a 20lb trout. Since she worked in Manhattan, long hours, her mother and father were "taking care" of Daniel.

ANYTIME the grandparents spend more time with the child than the mother does, a bell should go off in your head. Several questions should come to mind;

1. Do the grandparents require respect and set limits? The usual answer, (esp. for Greeks) is NOPE, not one iota.
2. Does the mother require respect and set limits? The answer, I would later find out, is NOPE. She spent so little time with said child that she did not want to spend it fighting with him so she let a lot (too much) slide during his most influential years.
3. Am I a masochistic SOB who likes to bask in the glow of disrespect, temper tantrums and fussiness that would irritate even Felix Unger?

Another alarm should have been the statement, "Dan has been kind of a fussy kid since birth. Crying, refusing to eat, frequently biting kids in school, hitting m..." WAIT! (insert red flag here) What was that? Biting kids? More than once? She even told me her ex tried biting Dan so he could see what it felt like but that didn't stop him. DING DING DING

Despite all of these signs I should have seen, I continued to date Christine. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't stupid but she has a lot of qualities to love... she is kind, warm, intelligent, sexy and sometimes pretty fun.

With that said, let me clarify right here and now... had I known what kind of kid Dan really was, I would have run screaming while the hair on the back of my neck was standing up!